Mood Eating Never Sleeps -- Unless

JOURNAL BLOG CONTINUED

March 1: My psych adjusted my medication today in attempt to rescue me from the dungeon again. I’m struggling with this new eating lifestyle and craving sugary stuff something fierce. When I’m emotionally out of balance, the problem worsens. Therefore, it is imperative that my emotions are in check. Depression is a bitch, and I asked him why some people have it and others don’t. The answer is simple: No one knows. That’s probably the same reason they don’t have a definitive cure. There are people who say what you eat affects your mood. I don’t know about that. Everybody’s body is different, and what works for one person may not work for another. I know this to be true: The mental self affects what one eats. Studies have documented it. I mentioned this earlier.

                                                            Restlessness Is the Enemy

 

March 2: It’s late afternoon, and I’m feeling restless without energy to get anything done except write in this journal. I’ve eaten an entire muffin, although I wasn’t hungry. A person on a weight loss journey should never allow herself to be restless. Eating brings solace or guilt because you’ve eaten the wrong food. I’m going to spend an hour meditating in hopes of calming myself. I know. I know. I’ve read that meditating isn’t just for that particular reason, but I’m out of options.

                                                            Disease Aids Weight Loss

March 3: Acid Reflux, that dreaded disease, has turned out to be a bittersweet enemy. It has changed the way I eat completely. I had occasionally eaten fried foods, Mexican food, and Italian foods, but I’ve had to give up tacos, pizza, fried chicken and other spicy foods, citrus fruits – like oranges and pineapple – and carbonated drinks. Most package juices and other package foods have citric acid, so I’m avoiding those, too. They make my heart flutter and give me heart burn and indigestion at their worse. I can eat and spend hours not being able to digest my food. At one time, I got so sick that I had to throw up to feel better. After months of trying to avoid the reality of these foods being like arsenic, I gave up. None of these foods along with heavily spiced, well seasoned, and greasy foods are on my food list. Last night, I decided to eat an onion bagel with wheat glutton in it, and got so sick I wanted to head for the hospital. Eating smaller meals is ideal for a person on a weight loss program. So is one with reflux disease, which requires me to eat early in the afternoon to digest my food before bedtime. Eating earlier gives me a chance to burn up some calories, too. Weight loss helps to curtail reflux, another added bonus to weight loss along with diabetes control and many other problems that obesity cause.

Oh, I have to watch what I drink too. No orange juice, sodas, and most processed juices. I can drink Ocean Spray CranGrape and Cranberry Juice without added sugar, and apple juice. If I don’t lose lose weight now, I’m going to yell, "Thyroid."

                                                Diabetes Aids Weight Loss

March 4: Being a diabetic has also changed my eating habits. If I eat sugary foods or consume sugary juices, my blood sugar will rise at an ungodly level, and I have to take more insulin to bring it down. Insulin is expensive so I try to buy as little as possible. That means eating fewer calories with sugary consumption. Diabetes is a cruel disease, but keeping blood sugar down is essential. That translates into fewer calories and weight loss eventually.

                                                            Lifestyle Changes Apparent

March 5: I’m doing pretty good with my food reduction lifestyle, and I’m not suffering. Breakfast: a weight loss bagel and milk. Mid-morning: a bowl of oatmeal. Lunch: Pear and Kiwi and Earl Grey tea. Mid-afternoon snack: a bagel with sugar free strawberry preserves, blackberry currant tea. Dinner: I had a half of chicken breast, green beans, carrots, and a salad. For a beverage I drank hot Lipton tea with antioxidants. I didn’t need a bedtime snack, so I drank a glass of 2% Lactose free milk. Most days I try to eat six small meals. If I eat fewer small meals, I still maintain portion controls. I never eat huge breakfast and dinners. If I eat fewer meals, I substitute 2 % Lactose free milk and tea along with a bagel for lunch. Breakfast: cereal or a Quaker Oatmeal cookie and 2% Lactose free milk. Dinner consists of a meat, two vegetables, and a starch such as cream potatoes, rice or macaroni and cheese – all in tablespoon portions.

                                                            Staying on Track

March 6: I’ve adopted a new way of eating and have begun to put more vegetables on the table. I’m not eating snack foods. Hooray. I’m eating seafood, when I can afford it, instead of all that red meat my husband cooks and eats.

                                                            Bye, bye Brownies

March 7: I have no Brownies in the kitchen, and he hasn’t baked any in three or four weeks. I’m mighty happy about that, and proud that I haven’t craved any. I’ve substituted Weight Watchers bagels when I can find them. They sell out so fast that it’s unbelievable, and no wonder. They taste good and have only 150 calories and two points if you count according to the weight watcher’s system. What impresses me is that they have only five grams of fat. Compare that to 290 calories and twenty grams of fat for regular bagels, depending on the brand.

                                                Dangerously Low Blood Sugar Readings

March 8: My biggest problem these days is keeping my blood sugar high enough to ward off those nasty headaches and the threat of passing out or going into a coma because it’s too low. I eat a weight watcher’s bagel or fruit at night if it’s too low because you don’t want to go to bed with a low sugar reading. It is dangerous for me because mine keeps dropping even without additional insulin. There’s a danger of going into a coma or dying in my sleep if it gets too low. I cannot monitor it while sleeping, of course. I’ve adjusted my insulin quite a bit, too. My doctor says when you lose weight, you need less and less insulin. The only thing I can do is check it, check it, check it. But that lancet hurts like hell. That’s what we use to prick our fingers to get the blood to place on the strip to read the blood sugar reading. The strip goes into a meter that reads it. I’m like most diabetics who get tired of taking their readings, but it is as necessary as breathing.

                                                Weigh-ins are the Big, Bad Wolf

March 9: I’m sweating bricks because I have to visit the doctor for a weigh-in in a few weeks, and it’s typical for me to not lose weight even when I’m doing everything right. It’s enough to make me spit blood. I don’t know why it happens. It reminds me of somebody’s cruel joke. Sometimes I feel like I was destined to be fat forever. Then I quickly correct myself and repeat that I am what I eat, as the saying goes. I won't accept it because if I do I will be what I eat and my body will show the food trail.

                                                Pain Causes Growing Pain

Mm

March 10: I must keep my pain under control because it makes me want to eat bad food. Yesterday, I craved doughnuts but persevered and didn’t buy any. After the pain subsided I was fine. The craving went away -- not forever. I could only wrestle with the poison -- what I call too much of bad, bad, bad thing.

                                                Poetry Is My Salvation – Sort of

March 11: I’m reading poetry and my literary journals tonight after I watch American Idol. I’ll do some floor exercises before that. I wish I had a treadmill in the house, but I don’t know where I’d put it with all the clutter in my office. I’d have to throw out a couple of bookshelves and a ton of books. Speaking of books, I’m beginning to regret buying all those books. I’ve got too many to ever read. Everywhere I go in my apartment, I see books. Don’t get me wrong. I love books but not too many, which is what I have. It makes me think I got drunk and went into the bookstore and bought these books. Some of them are kinds of material I don’t even like to read. (I’m kidding about the drunk part. I don’t drink) I’d donate them to the library if I could get somebody to come pick them up.

 

                                                Thank God, He Doesn’t Hoard Food

March 12: My husband is a hoarder, but he calls me a hoarder because of all my books. I’m glad we don’t hoard food like books and mechanic’s tools. We wouldn’t be able to find the food in our refrigerator. He loves to eat, and I get sick watching him eat. I’m usually not hungry, and he always is. I’m glad he cannot hoard food or it would be dangerous for me. I like to eat in the dark, in bed, in closets, in bathrooms. Oh, no, that’s the old me. I eat all of my meals in front of him. If he isn’t home, I choose to eat only vegetables and fruits rather than bother cooking meat. That is, unless I’m bingeing on junk food, which I struggle to avoid. One way is to keep it out of the house, but he sometimes brings chips, candy, and soda in. It’s dangerous for me as I try hard to shun his stash of empty calories.

                                                Fish Is Good for Me, Really

March 13: I’m a fishoholic. If I could I’d eat nothing but fish or other seafood. As it stands now, I’m eating fish about twice a week. I see no reason why I can’t have it every day, but my husband – the cook – is a red meat eater. Over half our food budget goes for red meat. I want to throw a tantrum in the grocery, and say, "I don’t like red meat." But they’d probably haul me off in a wagon to the mental ward.

                                                Taking Charge of My Emotions

March 14: A woman isn’t just what she tolerates/ she is what she embraces. This is a line from one of my poems called Baby Boomer. I thought it was important enough to repeat its here. For years I tolerated people telling me what to think, how to act, how to wear my hair. There were even people who told me that I could eat what I wanted and not gain any more weight. Once you reach a certain weight level, you won’t gain any more, they'd say. Well, they were wrong about that and many other things they tried to cram under my headlights. Now that I’m old enough to decide what’s best for me and not to care what anybody thinks, says or does, I don’t tolerate that kind of nonsense. I embrace what’s important to me and nobody else's values that are misguided for me.

                                                            Cry but Don’t Overeat

March 15: I saw my psychotherapist yesterday, and we talked about my emotional eating problems that lead to bingeing. Yes, I binge worse than a pig does on slop. She said my problem is that historically I had used food to feel good. Then I turned to food when I was angry, sad, or whatever negative mood I had and out of fear of a return to sexual assault. That led me to ferret out comfort foods, and those are the foods I binged on. The other thing is that when I grew up, my mother and the rest of us ate lots of sweets. We were miserable, and nothing healed what hurt us more than a pineapple cake or a banana pudding. Sugar is my worst enemy. The therapist said I didn’t get this way over night, and it wouldn’t change quickly.

                                                            Mounds Equal a Bad Day

March 16: Yesterday was a bad day, and it led me to eating Mounds candy bars. I ate three of them before I stopped myself. The candy made me so sick that I couldn’t eat dinner. I finally wound up eating eight shrimps and drinking a glass of 2% milk lactose free. This morning I had a stomach ache from the candy, and my bowels told the story.

                                                            No Drinking Binges

March 17: While people celebrated St. Patrick’s Day drinking green beer, eating corn beef hash, cabbage, and sauerkraut, I wrote poetry and prayed about not overeating for the day. Here’s my poem:

            Help Is On the Way

1

When you’re tired of the world

and its devastation,

I’m your golden arch

You use me to squash your appetite

for forbidden food

I soothe you when your

friends betray you

I calm you when you’re anxious and angry.

I make your life luminous in blackness

while you prattle, prance and pounce

against indifference and indignity

Every disturbance and danger

frighten you like a wasp in your path.

 

2

 

A gold leaf flies in your window

You so elegantly pen its existence

When it snows in spring,

you protest in bleak language:

"It’s a blemish 

in blasé nature," you said.

 

3

When the art dealer

forgets your Georgia O’Keeffe,

your Jacob Lawrence, and your Claude Monet

you blast him on paper

to trap your tongue

You forget: I’m your bond;

You have me to console you

if you’re feeling angry,

a little purple, or overwhelmed.

                                                            I Cannot Say Can’t

March 18: Today is my daddy’s birthday. I’ll always remember him for teaching me that there is no word Can’t. Until this day, I won’t write can’t until now in any of my prose or poetry. I don’t use it in my spoken language either. That leads me to relate the word can’t to my lifestyle change. I cannot say can’t, and I must succeed at all cost. I’m eating properly and feeling good about myself. Strangely, how eating the right foods makes me feel tougher. I’m not giving in to temptation, and that makes me stronger. I will always work to be strong.

                                                            Spirituality Is A Boon

March 19: Focusing on my spirituality keeps me grounded. I don’t mean religion necessarily, although that is important, too. We’re all spiritual beings, but I mean the spirit, the inner self, the self that makes life desirable. When I am focused and balanced with spirituality, I am discouraged from making bad food choices. My inner self teaches me to grab a hold to the good things in life, and that means good food – fruits, vegetables, fish, whole grains – good people: ones who’re kind, respectful, and emotionally stable, good thinking, which means positive thoughts which keep negative or stinking thinking from ruining my day. For example: I can choose to think: "I’ll never lose this weight" or "I’m losing this weight every day – pound by pound." Positive thinking keeps me from gobbling up all the gook I can get my hands on. I promise to enjoy all spiritual moments.

I feel euphoric because my spirit is well, it’s like taking a drink of pure water. Don’t get me wrong, God factors into this goodness, for He is my everything, and I rely on him to make my inner self a spiritual place for me. For those of you who don’t believe in God, you can call it whatever name you wish. As they say in Alcoholics Anonymous: "Higher Power." Some people choose God as their higher power, and others say a pencil is theirs. There’s a word for everybody when talking about what they believe in. God help them if they don’t.

                                                Love is a Gem

March 20: Love is magical and gives me a warm feeling like a Russell Stover chocolate. You see, I have this habit of relating food to non-tangible things. I try not to think about love because I’m ashamed to admit one thing: I don’t know if I love me when I’m gulping down milk shakes or stuffing myself with ice cream and other gooey desserts. Loving myself means making good food choices – in essence, eating right. The way I see it: Self-love is a valuable tool in weight loss. Without it I’m self-sabotaging my life style change. I promise to love myself and to show it through my food choices.

            There used to be a saying: "Reach for your mate and not your plate." Well, it makes a lot of sense unless you don’t have a mate or a plate. And what if your mate has erectile dysfunction? It’s better to exercise, but for me I only get ten minutes of walking a day because of physical limitations. I’m still trying to get the money for water exercises.

            Love is a powerful emotion, but it doesn’t always translate into better eating habits like hate translates into bad eating habits. I don’t know why that is, but it just is. I promise myself to focus on love of family, love of God, love of everyone, love of country, although I don’t think politicians show much love for the people. I judge them by how they deal with important issues of the day. I won’t say they’re all alike, though. When I think of the cavalier attitudes and actions to our president Obama and the poorest and focusing on skin color, it makes me want to bur myself in food until I realize that I have no control on others. It's my responsibility to spread charity, to think for myself, and to act prudently both morally and sensible. All of this translate into proper food intake that keeps me healthy and sane.

                                                            Solitude Is Golden

March 21: Solitude. I always want plenty of it because it brings peace of mind. A peaceful mind means good decision making and a spiritual well being. Peace of mind bodes well for a binge eater like myself because most of us tend to eat away our frustration. When I’m feeling peaceful, bad foods never enter my thoughts. I only want to continue peaceful moments also because writers need solitude. It doesn’t happen every minute of the day, but I’m grateful for every minute I get. I will work harder to achieve solitude.

                                                Tracking Failures and Successes                      

March 22: I have this conversation with myself every day to stay on point with my weight reduction program. Every day is a challenge and when I log these thoughts, I have something to direct the future as I look back on past strengths, gains or losses. I’m reminding myself of every day I fail, every day I succeed, and every day I triumph. Looking at my flaws and training myself to learn from them is a valid way to keep track of what’s happening in my life, as well. I promise to keep taking a critical look at my eating habits. I’m sticking with fruits, vegetables, whole grains, fish or small amounts of chicken and red meat, which I rarely eat anymore. It bears repeating because repetition is what keeps me out of food courts. That’s just me. I don’t like it unless I can get a T-Bone or a Porter House, both of which Taft cannot afford.

            I’m doing well today, and I promise to keep walking ten to fifteen minutes a day despite my arthritic knees and hips. I’m not mobile enough, and that handicaps my weight loss program and my new life style. I move as much as I can otherwise. I must keep reminding myself that doing some physical activity is better than doing nothing.

                                                            Tears of a Fat Lady

March 23: Today I mourn the loss of my Thin Lady. Yeah, I know she’s been gone for decades, but I still miss her. As I sit in my recliner at night, I think about being thin and I remember how it felt. This is necessary to paint a picture for the future because I’ve been fat so long it will be hard to forget the old me. I’ve heard of people saying they are fat in a thin body. Well, I’m looking at it the other way around. I see myself as thin person inside, and I’ll always grieve about being fat, that is, until I’m normal size again. I believe, believe it's going to happen.

                                                            Fat, Fat, Go Away

March 24: It’s time for a mirror check. Most people jump on the scales. I do mirror checks, and pinch the fat. I measure with my index finger and thumb. I know how much an inch is, and I know I have two and a half inches of blubber around my waist. I checked, and it hasn’t changed much. Dear Lord, make it go away. I cannot take it much more. The stomach and waist used to be the first place for my decrease in size to show. That was when I was twenty. The hips were the stubborn spots. Now the hips and buttocks tend to look smaller when I check my slacks. I know, I know. This isn’t scientific. Weighing often would only leave me frustrated, so I weigh only at the doctor’s office every three months at one office and every month at my regular doctor's office. When the pounds start to fall pretty good, I’m going to buy a scale – not that bathroom type. It wouldn’t even measure me now because I’m over their weight capacity.

March 25: I’m sorry but I don’t feel like eating today. I mean, really, I don’t. These days come along once in a while, and I hate them because I feel that I’m getting into binge water. Starve then binge. That’s how it works. I promise to force myself to eat even when I don’t want to because not eating is dangerous for a binger. But that meal isn’t coming today. All I can get done is some soup, a bagel, a pear, a cup of tea, and a glass of milk.

March 26: Some nights are harder than others. Even when I’m not hungry, I still crave high calorie carbohydrates. Yeah, they’re forbidden for me even though experts say it isn’t good to punish yourself. I have to because I cannot quit until the whole thing is gone. I couldn’t eat any dessert without bingeing, and I admit that I am a sugarholic who’s powerless against it. There ought to be a law against creating something that’s so addictive. I feel like somebody addicted to a drug. I sit here looking at all of my books with plans to pick one up to read, but mind’s on eating a Mounds bar or some cherry doughnut holes. Lord, help me.

            I promise never to give up on working toward recovery from addictive sweets. How long before I lose my taste for them? How long before I stop craving them? Oh, how cruel to want something that’s bad for you. Everywhere I go I see people buying and eating junk food or sweets. I can skip the chips and dip, fries, etc., and I never crave them.

March 27: It’s a battle to wage, and I will win because I admitted that I am powerless over my desire to binge on fattening stuff. Therefore, I will fight the urge with all that I’ve got within my spirit. I will fight because I’ll never lose weight with this garbage in my system, and I refuse to die fat. It is my goal to weigh 160 pounds. That means I need to lose 100 more pounds.

March 28: Some days I forget to keep a journal of what I eat, and I eat junk food. It’s amazing how amnesia knocks me off track. It’s so easy to forget what I’ve consumed during the day or evening. The more we eat, the more we want to eat. That’s a binge eater for you. If I don’t remember what I’ve chewed up, it won't be easy to stay honest about my stomach content. Today isn’t a good day. I went to the bookstore and was tempted by everything before bulging eyes. I soon wound up eating a s’mores bar and regretted it all the way home. I cannot believe how poorly I’ve eaten these last few days where I continued down the road to Stuff ville. My emotional eating has resurfaced, and I must get back on track soon. I’d hate to start gaining weight.

                                                            Why I Write It Down

March 29: Journaling is a way to keep me on track. It’s like having a conversation with myself about rights and wrongs of losing weight. It’s my own personal reality check. Every day is a challenge and when I look back, I have written knowledge of whether I’ve met that challenge or bombed. It’s been difficult lately for I’ve lost my appetite. I have to force food into my mouth and down my throat. I have these meals, but I eat only small portions – just enough to take my insulin and to keep my blood sugar regulated. I also have to be careful about taking medicine on an empty stomach. Besides, not eating doesn’t make me lose any more weight than normal. It just sets me up for failure.

            I’m looking back at my flaws and learning from them. I promised myself to keep taking a critical look at my life and stay honest about those nasty eating habits. I suppose others who want to lose weight have similar ideas because we all know what happens when we’re not conscious of what we’re putting into our mouths. I will keep a food intake diary.

Breakfast: Special K, milk, and grapes. Lunch: potato soup and salad; Dinner: meat loaf without ketchup, peas and creamed potatoes. All servings are between a tablespoon and two tablespoons. Meat the size of a deck of cards, sometimes smaller. I eat two or three servings of fruit, drink milk, tea, and water for my beverages.

                                                The Battle Rages On

March 30: Some nights are harder than others. Even when I’m not hungry, I still crave sugary to

syrupy. I crave these foods like they’re nicotine, and thank God they’re not. But I believe that food

can kill. That is, if I keep eating deadly and stacking on the pounds. Well, I need to commend myself

here because I’ve kept 45 pounds off for a year. I chastise myself because I haven’t lost any more

because of my struggle with bingeing on sugary stuff. There ought to be jail time against creating

something that’s so addictive as chocolate and other sweets. I feel like somebody addicted to a drug. I

sit here looking at all my books with plans to pick one up and read. But my mind’s on picking up a

Mounds bar or some cherry doughnut holes. Lord, help me. 

Breakfast: bagel and pear; lunch: shrimp salad and bullion; dinner: peas and carrots, chicken breast.

                                                Shopping a Natural High

March 31: I woke up earlier than usual this morning and wanted to go shopping but then realized that I don’t shop because of disability to walk around shopping malls. I miss doing that. When I used to go shopping, I got a high from trying on all of those beautiful clothes. Now I listen to my daughter talk about her shopping sojourns. The only shopping I do is at the grocery store, which I abhor because I have to choose what aisles to avoid -- the candy aisle but the chocolate scent floats all over the place. Food is so costly now that it’s hard to buy enough to sustain a proper diet. Most of you know that the best foods to eat are more costly, but if you choose wisely and keep track of how much bad foods cost, you'll be able to calculate objectively or  open minded.

Breakfast: Glucerna Smoothie; lunch: bagel and apple, milk; dinner: Brussell sprouts and asparagus, chicken with brown rice and a salad.