JOURNAL BLOG CONTINUED
March
1: My psych adjusted my medication today in attempt to rescue me
from the dungeon again. I’m struggling with this new eating lifestyle and
craving sugary stuff something fierce. When I’m emotionally out of balance, the
problem worsens. Therefore, it is imperative that my emotions are in check.
Depression is a bitch, and I asked him why some people have it and others
don’t. The answer is simple: No one knows. That’s probably the same reason they
don’t have a definitive cure. There are people who say what you eat affects
your mood. I don’t know about that. Everybody’s body is different, and what
works for one person may not work for another. I know this to be true: The
mental self affects what one eats. Studies have documented it. I mentioned this
earlier.
Restlessness Is the Enemy
March
2: It’s late afternoon, and I’m feeling restless without energy to
get anything done except write in this journal. I’ve eaten an entire muffin,
although I wasn’t hungry. A person on a weight loss journey should never allow
herself to be restless. Eating brings solace or guilt because you’ve eaten the
wrong food. I’m going to spend an hour meditating in hopes of calming myself. I
know. I know. I’ve read that meditating isn’t just for that particular reason,
but I’m out of options.
Disease
Aids Weight Loss
March
3: Acid Reflux, that dreaded disease, has turned out to be a
bittersweet enemy. It has changed the way I eat completely. I had occasionally
eaten fried foods, Mexican food, and Italian foods, but I’ve had to give up
tacos, pizza, fried chicken and other spicy foods, citrus fruits – like oranges
and pineapple – and carbonated drinks. Most package juices and other package
foods have citric acid, so I’m avoiding those, too. They make my heart flutter
and give me heart burn and indigestion at their worse. I can eat and spend
hours not being able to digest my food. At one time, I got so sick that I had
to throw up to feel better. After months of trying to avoid the reality of
these foods being like arsenic, I gave up. None of these foods along with
heavily spiced, well seasoned, and greasy foods are on my food list. Last
night, I decided to eat an onion bagel with wheat glutton in it, and got so
sick I wanted to head for the hospital. Eating smaller meals is ideal for a
person on a weight loss program. So is one with reflux disease, which requires
me to eat early in the afternoon to digest my food before bedtime. Eating
earlier gives me a chance to burn up some calories, too. Weight loss helps to
curtail reflux, another added bonus to weight loss along with diabetes control
and many other problems that obesity cause.
Oh, I have to
watch what I drink too. No orange juice, sodas, and most processed juices. I
can drink Ocean Spray CranGrape and Cranberry Juice without added sugar, and
apple juice. If I don’t lose lose weight now, I’m going to yell, "Thyroid."
Diabetes
Aids Weight Loss
March
4: Being a diabetic has also changed my eating habits. If I eat
sugary foods or consume sugary juices, my blood sugar will rise at an ungodly
level, and I have to take more insulin to bring it down. Insulin is expensive
so I try to buy as little as possible. That means eating fewer calories with
sugary consumption. Diabetes is a cruel disease, but keeping blood sugar down
is essential. That translates into fewer calories and weight loss eventually.
Lifestyle
Changes Apparent
March
5: I’m doing pretty good with my food reduction lifestyle, and I’m
not suffering. Breakfast: a weight loss bagel and milk. Mid-morning: a bowl of
oatmeal. Lunch: Pear and Kiwi and Earl Grey tea. Mid-afternoon snack: a bagel
with sugar free strawberry preserves, blackberry currant tea. Dinner: I had a
half of chicken breast, green beans, carrots, and a salad. For a beverage I
drank hot Lipton tea with antioxidants. I didn’t need a bedtime snack, so I
drank a glass of 2% Lactose free milk. Most days I try to eat six small meals.
If I eat fewer small meals, I still maintain portion controls. I never eat huge
breakfast and dinners. If I eat fewer meals, I substitute 2 % Lactose free milk
and tea along with a bagel for lunch. Breakfast: cereal or a Quaker Oatmeal
cookie and 2% Lactose free milk. Dinner consists of a meat, two vegetables, and
a starch such as cream potatoes, rice or macaroni and cheese – all in
tablespoon portions.
Staying
on Track
March
6: I’ve adopted a new way of eating and have begun to put more
vegetables on the table. I’m not eating snack foods. Hooray. I’m eating
seafood, when I can afford it, instead of all that red meat my husband cooks
and eats.
Bye,
bye Brownies
March
7: I have no Brownies in the kitchen, and he hasn’t baked any in
three or four weeks. I’m mighty happy about that, and proud that I haven’t
craved any. I’ve substituted Weight Watchers bagels when I can find them. They
sell out so fast that it’s unbelievable, and no wonder. They taste good and
have only 150 calories and two points if you count according to the weight
watcher’s system. What impresses me is that they have only five grams of fat.
Compare that to 290 calories and twenty grams of fat for regular bagels,
depending on the brand.
Dangerously
Low Blood Sugar Readings
March
8: My biggest problem these days is keeping my blood sugar high
enough to ward off those nasty headaches and the threat of passing out or going
into a coma because it’s too low. I eat a weight watcher’s bagel or fruit at
night if it’s too low because you don’t want to go to bed with a low sugar
reading. It is dangerous for me because mine keeps dropping even without
additional insulin. There’s a danger of going into a coma or dying in my sleep
if it gets too low. I cannot monitor it while sleeping, of course. I’ve
adjusted my insulin quite a bit, too. My doctor says when you lose weight, you
need less and less insulin. The only thing I can do is check it, check it,
check it. But that lancet hurts like hell. That’s what we use to prick our
fingers to get the blood to place on the strip to read the blood sugar reading.
The strip goes into a meter that reads it. I’m like most diabetics who get
tired of taking their readings, but it is as necessary as breathing.
Weigh-ins are the
Big, Bad Wolf
March
9: I’m sweating bricks because I have to visit the doctor for a
weigh-in in a few weeks, and it’s typical for me to not lose weight even when
I’m doing everything right. It’s enough to make me spit blood. I don’t know why
it happens. It reminds me of somebody’s cruel joke. Sometimes I feel like I was
destined to be fat forever. Then I quickly correct myself and repeat that I am
what I eat, as the saying goes. I won't accept it because if I do I will be what I eat and my body will show the food trail.
Pain
Causes Growing Pain
Mm
March
10: I must keep my pain under control because it makes me want to eat
bad food. Yesterday, I craved doughnuts but persevered and didn’t buy any.
After the pain subsided I was fine. The craving went away -- not forever. I could only wrestle with the poison -- what I call too much of bad, bad, bad thing.
Poetry
Is My Salvation – Sort of
March
11: I’m reading poetry and my literary journals tonight after I watch
American Idol. I’ll do some floor exercises before that. I wish I had a
treadmill in the house, but I don’t know where I’d put it with all the clutter
in my office. I’d have to throw out a couple of bookshelves and a ton of books.
Speaking of books, I’m beginning to regret buying all those books. I’ve got too
many to ever read. Everywhere I go in my apartment, I see books. Don’t get me
wrong. I love books but not too many, which is what I have. It makes me think I
got drunk and went into the bookstore and bought these books. Some of them are
kinds of material I don’t even like to read. (I’m kidding about the drunk part.
I don’t drink) I’d donate them to the library if I could get somebody to come
pick them up.
Thank
God, He Doesn’t Hoard Food
March
12: My husband is a hoarder, but he calls me a hoarder because of
all my books. I’m glad we don’t hoard food like books and mechanic’s tools. We
wouldn’t be able to find the food in our refrigerator. He loves to eat, and I
get sick watching him eat. I’m usually not hungry, and he always is. I’m glad
he cannot hoard food or it would be dangerous for me. I like to eat in the
dark, in bed, in closets, in bathrooms. Oh, no, that’s the old me. I eat all of
my meals in front of him. If he isn’t home, I choose to eat only vegetables and
fruits rather than bother cooking meat. That is, unless I’m bingeing on junk
food, which I struggle to avoid. One way is to keep it out of the house, but he
sometimes brings chips, candy, and soda in. It’s dangerous for me as I try hard
to shun his stash of empty calories.
Fish
Is Good for Me, Really
March
13: I’m a fishoholic. If I could I’d eat nothing but fish or other seafood. As it
stands now, I’m eating fish about twice a week. I see no reason why I can’t
have it every day, but my husband – the cook – is a red meat eater. Over half
our food budget goes for red meat. I want to throw a tantrum in the grocery,
and say, "I don’t like red meat." But they’d probably haul me off in a wagon to the mental ward.
Taking
Charge of My Emotions
March
14: A woman isn’t just what she tolerates/ she
is what she embraces. This is a line from one of my poems called Baby Boomer. I
thought it was important enough to repeat its here. For years I tolerated people
telling me what to think, how to act, how to wear my hair. There were even
people who told me that I could eat what I wanted and not gain any more weight.
Once you reach a certain weight level, you won’t gain any more, they'd say. Well, they were
wrong about that and many other things they tried to cram under my headlights. Now
that I’m old enough to decide what’s best for me and not to care what anybody
thinks, says or does, I don’t tolerate that kind of nonsense. I embrace what’s
important to me and nobody else's values that are misguided for me.
Cry
but Don’t Overeat
March
15: I saw my psychotherapist yesterday, and we talked about my
emotional eating problems that lead to bingeing. Yes, I binge worse than a pig
does on slop. She said my problem is that historically I had used food to feel
good. Then I turned to food when I was angry, sad, or whatever negative mood I
had and out of fear of a return to sexual assault. That led me to ferret out comfort foods, and those are the foods I binged
on. The other thing is that when I grew up, my mother and the rest of us ate
lots of sweets. We were miserable, and nothing healed what hurt us more than a
pineapple cake or a banana pudding. Sugar is my worst enemy. The therapist said
I didn’t get this way over night, and it wouldn’t change quickly.
Mounds
Equal a Bad Day
March
16: Yesterday was a bad day, and it led me to eating Mounds candy
bars. I ate three of them before I stopped myself. The candy made me so sick
that I couldn’t eat dinner. I finally wound up eating eight shrimps and
drinking a glass of 2% milk lactose free. This morning I had a stomach ache
from the candy, and my bowels told the story.
No
Drinking Binges
March
17: While people celebrated St. Patrick’s Day drinking green beer,
eating corn beef hash, cabbage, and sauerkraut, I wrote poetry and prayed about
not overeating for the day. Here’s my poem:
Help Is On the Way
1
When you’re tired of the world
and its devastation,
I’m your golden arch
You use me to squash your appetite
for forbidden food
I soothe you when your
friends betray you
I calm you when you’re anxious and angry.
I make your life luminous in blackness
while you prattle, prance and pounce
against indifference and indignity
Every disturbance and danger
frighten you like a wasp in your path.
2
A gold leaf flies in your window
You so elegantly pen its existence
When it snows in spring,
you protest in bleak language:
"It’s a blemish
in blasé nature," you said.
3
When the art dealer
forgets your Georgia O’Keeffe,
your Jacob Lawrence, and your Claude Monet
you blast him on paper
to trap your tongue
You forget: I’m your bond;
You have me to console you
if you’re feeling angry,
a little purple, or overwhelmed.
I
Cannot Say Can’t
March 18: Today is my daddy’s birthday. I’ll always remember him
for teaching me that there is no word Can’t. Until this day, I won’t write
can’t until now in any of my prose or poetry. I don’t use it in my spoken language either.
That leads me to relate the word can’t to my lifestyle change. I cannot say
can’t, and I must succeed at all cost. I’m eating properly and feeling good
about myself. Strangely, how eating the right foods makes me feel tougher. I’m
not giving in to temptation, and that makes me stronger. I will always work to
be strong.
Spirituality
Is A Boon
March 19: Focusing on my spirituality keeps me grounded. I don’t
mean religion necessarily, although that is important, too. We’re all spiritual
beings, but I mean the spirit, the inner self, the self that makes life
desirable. When I am focused and balanced with spirituality, I am discouraged
from making bad food choices. My inner self teaches me to grab a hold to the
good things in life, and that means good food – fruits, vegetables, fish, whole
grains – good people: ones who’re kind, respectful, and emotionally stable, good thinking,
which means positive thoughts which keep negative or stinking thinking from
ruining my day. For example: I can choose to think: "I’ll never lose this
weight" or "I’m losing this weight every day – pound by pound." Positive
thinking keeps me from gobbling up all the gook I can get my hands on. I
promise to enjoy all spiritual moments.
I feel euphoric
because my spirit is well, it’s like taking a drink of pure water. Don’t
get me wrong, God factors into this goodness, for He is my everything, and I
rely on him to make my inner self a spiritual place for me. For those of you
who don’t believe in God, you can call it whatever name you wish. As they say
in Alcoholics Anonymous: "Higher Power." Some people choose God as their higher
power, and others say a pencil is theirs. There’s a word for everybody when
talking about what they believe in. God help them if they don’t.
Love
is a Gem
March 20: Love is magical and gives me a warm feeling like a
Russell Stover chocolate. You see, I have this habit of relating food to
non-tangible things. I try not to think about love because I’m ashamed to admit
one thing: I don’t know if I love me when I’m gulping down milk shakes or
stuffing myself with ice cream and other gooey desserts. Loving myself means
making good food choices – in essence, eating right. The way I see it:
Self-love is a valuable tool in weight loss. Without it I’m self-sabotaging my
life style change. I promise to love myself and to show it through my food
choices.
There
used to be a saying: "Reach for your mate and not your plate." Well, it makes a
lot of sense unless you don’t have a mate or a plate. And what if your mate has
erectile dysfunction? It’s better to exercise, but for me I only get ten
minutes of walking a day because of physical limitations. I’m still trying to
get the money for water exercises.
Love
is a powerful emotion, but it doesn’t always translate into better eating
habits like hate translates into bad eating habits. I don’t know why that is,
but it just is. I promise myself to focus on love of family, love of God, love
of everyone, love of country, although I don’t think politicians show much love
for the people. I judge them by how they deal with important issues of the day.
I won’t say they’re all alike, though. When I think of the cavalier attitudes and actions to our president Obama and the poorest and focusing on skin color, it makes me want to bur myself in food until I realize that I have no control on others. It's my responsibility to spread charity, to think for myself, and to act prudently both morally and sensible. All of this translate into proper food intake that keeps me healthy and sane.
Solitude
Is Golden
March 21: Solitude. I always want plenty of it because it brings
peace of mind. A peaceful mind means good decision making and a spiritual well
being. Peace of mind bodes well for a binge eater like myself because most of
us tend to eat away our frustration. When I’m feeling peaceful, bad foods never
enter my thoughts. I only want to continue peaceful moments also because
writers need solitude. It doesn’t happen every minute of the day, but I’m
grateful for every minute I get. I will work harder to achieve solitude.
Tracking
Failures and Successes
March 22: I have this conversation with myself every day to stay on
point with my weight reduction program. Every day is a challenge and when I log
these thoughts, I have something to direct the future as I look back on past
strengths, gains or losses. I’m reminding myself of every day I fail, every day
I succeed, and every day I triumph. Looking at my flaws and training myself to
learn from them is a valid way to keep track of what’s happening in my life, as
well. I promise to keep taking a critical look at my eating habits. I’m
sticking with fruits, vegetables, whole grains, fish or small amounts of
chicken and red meat, which I rarely eat anymore. It bears repeating because repetition is what keeps me out of food courts. That’s just me. I don’t like
it unless I can get a T-Bone or a Porter House, both of which Taft cannot afford.
I’m
doing well today, and I promise to keep walking ten to fifteen minutes a day
despite my arthritic knees and hips. I’m not mobile enough, and that handicaps my weight
loss program and my new life style. I move as much as I can otherwise. I must
keep reminding myself that doing some physical activity is better than doing
nothing.
March 23: Today I mourn the loss of my Thin Lady. Yeah, I know
she’s been gone for decades, but I still miss her. As I sit in my recliner at
night, I think about being thin and I remember how it felt. This is necessary
to paint a picture for the future because I’ve been fat so long it will be hard
to forget the old me. I’ve heard of people saying they are fat in a thin body.
Well, I’m looking at it the other way around. I see myself as thin person
inside, and I’ll always grieve about being fat, that is, until I’m normal size
again. I believe, believe it's going to happen.
Fat,
Fat, Go Away
March 24: It’s time for a mirror check. Most people jump on the
scales. I do mirror checks, and pinch the fat. I measure with my index finger
and thumb. I know how much an inch is, and I know I have two and a half inches
of blubber around my waist. I checked, and it hasn’t changed much. Dear Lord,
make it go away. I cannot take it much more. The stomach and waist used to be
the first place for my decrease in size to show. That was when I was twenty. The hips
were the stubborn spots. Now the hips and buttocks tend to look smaller when I
check my slacks. I know, I know. This isn’t scientific. Weighing often would
only leave me frustrated, so I weigh only at the doctor’s office every three
months at one office and every month at my regular doctor's office. When the pounds start to fall pretty good, I’m going to buy a scale –
not that bathroom type. It wouldn’t even measure me now because I’m over their
weight capacity.
March 25: I’m sorry but I don’t feel like eating today. I mean,
really, I don’t. These days come along once in a while, and I hate them because
I feel that I’m getting into binge water. Starve then binge. That’s how it
works. I promise to force myself to eat even when I don’t want to because not
eating is dangerous for a binger. But that meal isn’t coming today. All I can
get done is some soup, a bagel, a pear, a cup of tea, and a glass of milk.
March 26: Some nights are harder than others. Even when I’m not
hungry, I still crave high calorie carbohydrates. Yeah, they’re forbidden for me
even though experts say it isn’t good to punish yourself. I have to because I
cannot quit until the whole thing is gone. I couldn’t eat any dessert without
bingeing, and I admit that I am a sugarholic who’s powerless against it. There
ought to be a law against creating something that’s so addictive. I feel like
somebody addicted to a drug. I sit here looking at all of my books with plans
to pick one up to read, but mind’s on eating a Mounds bar or some cherry
doughnut holes. Lord, help me.
I
promise never to give up on working toward recovery from addictive sweets. How
long before I lose my taste for them? How long before I stop craving them? Oh,
how cruel to want something that’s bad for you. Everywhere I go I see people
buying and eating junk food or sweets. I can skip the chips and dip, fries,
etc., and I never crave them.
March 27: It’s a battle to wage, and I will win because I admitted
that I am powerless over my desire to binge on fattening stuff. Therefore, I will fight
the urge with all that I’ve got within my spirit. I will fight because I’ll
never lose weight with this garbage in my system, and I refuse to die fat. It
is my goal to weigh 160 pounds. That means I need to lose 100 more pounds.
March 28: Some days I forget to keep a journal of what I eat, and I
eat junk food. It’s amazing how amnesia knocks me off track. It’s so easy to
forget what I’ve consumed during the day or evening. The more we eat, the more
we want to eat. That’s a binge eater for you. If I don’t remember what I’ve
chewed up, it won't be easy to stay honest about my stomach content. Today isn’t a good day. I went to the
bookstore and was tempted by everything before bulging eyes. I soon wound up eating a
s’mores bar and regretted it all the way home. I cannot believe how poorly I’ve
eaten these last few days where I continued down the road to Stuff ville. My emotional eating has resurfaced, and I must get
back on track soon. I’d hate to start gaining weight.
Why
I Write It Down
March 29: Journaling is a way to keep me on track. It’s like having
a conversation with myself about rights and wrongs of losing weight. It’s my
own personal reality check. Every day is a challenge and when I look back, I
have written knowledge of whether I’ve met that challenge or bombed. It’s been
difficult lately for I’ve lost my appetite. I have to force food into my mouth
and down my throat. I have these meals, but I eat only small portions – just
enough to take my insulin and to keep my blood sugar regulated. I also have to
be careful about taking medicine on an empty stomach. Besides, not eating
doesn’t make me lose any more weight than normal. It just sets me up for failure.
I’m
looking back at my flaws and learning from them. I promised myself to keep
taking a critical look at my life and stay honest about those nasty eating habits. I suppose others who
want to lose weight have similar ideas because we all know what happens when
we’re not conscious of what we’re putting into our mouths. I will keep a food
intake diary.
Breakfast: Special K, milk, and
grapes. Lunch: potato soup and salad; Dinner: meat loaf without ketchup, peas
and creamed potatoes. All servings are between a tablespoon and two
tablespoons. Meat the size of a deck of cards, sometimes smaller. I eat two or
three servings of fruit, drink milk, tea, and water for my beverages.
The
Battle Rages On
March 30: Some nights
are harder than others. Even when I’m not hungry, I still crave sugary to
syrupy. I crave these foods like they’re nicotine, and thank God they’re not. But I believe that food
can kill. That is, if I keep eating deadly and stacking on the pounds. Well, I need to commend myself
here because I’ve kept 45 pounds off for a year. I chastise myself because I haven’t lost any more
because of my struggle with bingeing on sugary stuff. There ought to be jail time against creating
something that’s so addictive as chocolate and other sweets. I feel like somebody addicted to a drug. I
sit here looking at all my books with plans to pick one up and read. But my mind’s on picking up a
Mounds bar or some cherry doughnut holes. Lord, help me.
syrupy. I crave these foods like they’re nicotine, and thank God they’re not. But I believe that food
can kill. That is, if I keep eating deadly and stacking on the pounds. Well, I need to commend myself
here because I’ve kept 45 pounds off for a year. I chastise myself because I haven’t lost any more
because of my struggle with bingeing on sugary stuff. There ought to be jail time against creating
something that’s so addictive as chocolate and other sweets. I feel like somebody addicted to a drug. I
sit here looking at all my books with plans to pick one up and read. But my mind’s on picking up a
Mounds bar or some cherry doughnut holes. Lord, help me.
Breakfast: bagel and
pear; lunch: shrimp salad and bullion; dinner: peas and carrots, chicken
breast.
Shopping a Natural
High
March 31: I woke up earlier than usual this morning and wanted to
go shopping but then realized that I don’t shop because of disability to walk
around shopping malls. I miss doing that. When I used to go shopping, I got a
high from trying on all of those beautiful clothes. Now I listen to my daughter
talk about her shopping sojourns. The only shopping I do is at the grocery
store, which I abhor because I have to choose what aisles to avoid -- the candy aisle but the chocolate scent floats all over the place. Food is so costly now that it’s hard to buy enough to
sustain a proper diet. Most of you know that the best foods to eat are more costly, but if you choose wisely and keep track of how much bad foods cost, you'll be able to calculate objectively or open minded.
Breakfast: Glucerna Smoothie; lunch:
bagel and apple, milk; dinner: Brussell sprouts and asparagus, chicken with
brown rice and a salad.